HUMAN HAPPINESS - ITS NATURE & ITS ATTAINMENT
VOLUME II: THE ATTAINMENT OF HAPPINESS
CHAPTER 16

 

CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS ARE # 1
THE THIRTEENTH FUNDAMENTAL

 

Of all the factors that contribute to happiness, none is as powerful as a close, love relationship.

Love rules the world according the the poets, and according to happiness researchers around the world, love rules the dominion of personal happiness as well. In universal agreement, the accumulated research definitely shows that of all the factors that contribute to happiness, nothing impacts more than a persons' love life (21, 30, 34, 55, 63, 71, 75, 113, 122, 125, 129, 130, 133, 147, 176, 209, 216, 241, 244, 247, 259, 270, 286, 305, 312, 316, 317, 329, 389, 402, 406).

It has been manifest since the beginning of our exploration into the nature an attainment of happiness, that warm social relationships are the foremost key to a happy life. In our review of the happiness research (in Volume I) we found that a rewarding social life was the most important, overall source of happiness, and in the present Volume we have seen, time and time again, that strong social message repeated. Fundamental Two, for example, was specifically focused on the value of socializing, and Fundamental Twelve, suggested ways you might "Develop an Outgoing, Social Personality."

There is no doubt, from what we've discovered in the research on happiness in general, and our work with the Fundamentals Program in particular, that an active social life contributes greatly to a persons happiness. Social contact on the job, organizational participation, interaction with neighbors and acquaintances, a wide and busy social agenda -- all add greatly to our overall happiness. So too does an outgoing, gregarious, socially comfortable personality -- especially if we tend to be those who are sought-out, popular, and included at the very center of social activities.

But as we have seen all along, peripheral and community-wide socializing have only a marginal impact on our personal happiness when compared to the quality of our more immediate social life with friends and family. As we learned from our discussion of the "Target Theory" a few Chapters back: the closer social relations come to our heart, the greater they tend to affect our happiness.

Thus, now it is finally time to turn to the most important kind of social relationships of all: the ones closest to your heart. Close relationships are the ones which provide some of the strongest happiness rewards of all. The warmer, the more loving, the more rewarding they are -- the happier we tend to be.

Indeed, as we have repeated throughout these volumes, close relationships are the #1 factor in happiness. According to the collected research, no single factor affects our happiness more! Thus, Fundamental Thirteen simply states: "Close Relationships Are Number 1."

 

CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS ARE # 1

Fundamental Thirteen applies to all intimate relationships, be they your friends, your relatives, your children, your parents, or anyone else who's close to your heart. And herein lies the general dictum of this Fundamental:

Appreciate and mainatin your close friends, your family members, and your most intimates -- for these are your main source of happiness!

If you are fortunate to have such ties, do whatever you can do to develop, to maintain, to repair, or to sustain your relationship with them. More than money, more than success, more than fame or popularity -- time invested in enhancing your closest ties will reap, by far, the greatest happiness rewards life affords, accoring to the bulk of happiness resarch.

Love is, indeed, the most potent happiness factor of all! The research is abundantly clear: a peron who has loving, close social and familial ties in their life, has the greatest happiness gift life can provide! Of all the factors researchers have studied, this one factor appears to be confirmed as a universal certainty!

Without love, all the wordly fame, success, or riches can only compensate. And, although it might appear from the strong cultural images we're taught from birth, that wealth and achievement are the basics of happiness, the research shows that real happiness hits much closer to home. Good friends, warm family ties, a loving spousal relationship -- these are the true keys to a deep and abiding happiness, not just in more primitive societies, but in advanced societies, as well!.

The quality of our relationships with our friends, family, and children certainly affects our happiness to an immense degree. But of all the close relationships we have in life, there is one, very special kind of relationship which, according to the research, has the most impact on our happiness compared to any other. It is the relationship between lovers. The relationship that, more often than not, ends in a marital bonding.

 

THE MOST POTENT FACTOR

For better or worse (no pun intended) one's romantic life tends to rule our emotions (and thus our happiness) more than any other factor in life.Thus, according to the research, there's no other factor which effects our happiness more! Nothing psychologists have examined shows such dramatic happiness changes in a person's life as the ups and downs of a person's love-life. Among all the personal crises physhologists have studied (the loss of employment, the death of a parent or child, the victim of war or calamity) nothing seems to affects our personal happiness more than the loss of love.

Conversely, of all the glories in life (the achievement of great success, instant riches, sudden social acclaim, reaching a life-long goal), nothing has quite the same immediate impact on our happiness as "falling in love" or the lasting happiness which comes from a long-lasting, love relationship.

Because such romantic love-relationships are so critical to personal happiness, the bulk of this present Chapter will be devoted to a better understanding of them. It is a Chapter dedicated not only to those of you who are lucky enough to have such a "love" relationship already in your life, but perhaps, even more, to those of you who are alone now, looking for such a "love" relationship in your future.

 

DO YOU NEED "LOVE" TO BE HAPPY?

Absolutely not!

Although the data speaks very strongly here (i.e., those who enjoy a close, loving relationship are far happier than others), the reaseach also shows that women and men caught in "unhappy" relationships are far unhappier than their single peers.

So although a loving, romantic relationship is the most potent source of a happy life, the research has uncovered (when it's good), one needn't have one to be a completely happy person.

Indeed, if you look at the scope of the Fundamentals Program, "Close Relationships" is but one of some thirteen other ways to build your happiness. There are, in fact, many extremely happy people who go through life without any lasting "love relationships" at all!  Thus, if "love" never comes   your way, there is no reason why you can't be a happy person.

Second, although a loving, romantic relationships have been found to be the single most potent source of personal happiness, it can also be said that they are the single most potent source of personal pain and despair, as well. The joy that a happy relationship can bring when it's good is equally offset, statistically, by the pain, torment, and abuse which a bad relationship brings into many lives.

These cautions are often expressed in what I tell my clients and students:

"There are three possibilities in life: being in a good relationship, being in a bad relationship, and being alone. If I had to rank them in terms of happiness, I'd certainly rank being in a good relationship at the top. But of the other two, I'd say that being alone is, by in large, far better than being in a bad relationship." (289)

It's a "crap shoot," indeed. Still, most of you are willing to take the chance -- either because you're already involved -- or still hope to be so. So what are the odds of long-term, relationship success?

 

RELATIONSHIP STATISTICS

On one hand, the statistics would seem to indicate that being in a couple relationship is pretty good.

The collected research on happiness has consistently shown that married people are significantly happier than singles (list sources here). And even with the high divorce rate typical of Western Countries, most people tend to re-marry. At any given time, practically 87% of all adults are currently married (or involved in significant, live-in relationships). Statistically, no matter what their previous situation, human beings love to couple! Most people tend to do it again and again, no matter how often their relationships terminate.

On the other hand, relationship statistics look pretty dismal. Currently in the United States: over 60% of marriages end in divorce; the average length of marriage is less than seven years; and the majority of American children are being raised in single-parent households (mostly headed by women -- the majority living on below poverty-level incomes). Domestic violence and child-abuse reportings have risen five-fold in the last decade, over 50% of all murders are between husbands and wives, and children -- torn between parents -- are suffering academically and emotionally from the disintegration of the American family structure. Even for the minority of couples which manage to stay together, various interview studies indicate that from 65% to 85% of them are "unhappy" or "dissatisfied" with their relationship.

So on the whole -- although most of us continue to "couple" serially, and can easily claim to be with "someone" at the moment -- traditional marriage and family relationships appear to be erroding.

Except for a very fortunate few, most of us have a relationship-history which has left us with some hurts, periods of emotional upheaval, and lingering separation pangs.

Yet despite the hurts and obvious dangers, most of us are still attracted to relationships -- like the proverbial moth to a flame. We just can't resist that instinctive need to mate and couple. Love seems to find us even when we've given up all hope. Even when we've vowed that we'll never get "involved" again. Intuitively we sense what Fundamental Thirteen teaches: romantic, love-relations can (when successful) provide the greatest source of happiness in life. So we're willing to chance it ...

But why chance it without a better understanding of the basics?

This bulk of this Chapter is dedicated to a better, research-based   understanding of love relationships. It is founded on some of the most basic principles modern psychology has developed regarding love-relationships in a theoretical framework I've personally developed, and it should prove valuable, not only to those of you who are currently hoping for love in your life, but for those among you who wish to enhance the relationships you're already in.

 

THE BEST PREDICTOR OF RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS

Over the years that I've lectured on love relationships, I've always begun by asking my audiences a rather basic question. Here, for example, is how I presented it in the video course, "The Psychology of Happiness" (999), we produced at the college:

"To begin our discussion, I want to ask you all -- because it goes right to the heart of the issue -- if you all could help me to identify what you would consider to be the number one factor that accounts for successful happy couple relationships.

Now before you begin guessing, let me suggest to you that years of research has been conducted in the area of couple psychology, marital success-marital happiness, and of all the factors that people have come up with, one emerges far more strongly than any other factor we have ever been able to measure it is so much more than any of the secondary factors that is has become or considered to be the most critical important factor regarding successful relationships, and yet the interesting thing about it is, most people know little or nothing about this important factor.

So give it the best guess you can. What do imagine would be the number one, best predictor of close, love relationships -- the one thing that successful couple seen to have going for them the most average and unhappy couples simple don't? What would you imagine that factor to be?"

Invariably, members of the audience mention many of the more highly-touted factors which are often suggested by relationship experts: good communication; mutual trust; common interests; like cultural backgrounds; a great sex-life; a degree of independence within the relationship; respect for each other; adequate finances; religious similarity; etc.. Still, no matter what they guess, hardly anyone in my audiences has ever come-up with the best predictor of successful relationships.

Not that these other factors are unimportant. Indeed, as we shall examine later, they are critical to a successful relationship. Yet individually -- in fact, even when combined -- none of these commonly assumed factors have as much predictive value as the one major factor research has uncovered.

No, according to academicians who've reviewed the entire scope of relationship research (Bereleson & Steiner, etc.), the best predictor of relationship success is the mental health level of both partners previous to the relationship!

No matter what else happy couples have going for themselves, both members brought to the relationship a high degree of self-actualization and mental health in the first place.

This major finding is quite a surprise to most people. It suggests that the better relationships are based more on factors each person brings to the relationship, than factors they develop between each other after the relationship has begun. Yet, that is exactly the point!

 

THE MENTAL HEALTH CONNECTION

If we assume that individual mental health levels account for marital and relationship success more than other factors, a number of quite obvious corollaries follow.

Firstly, it gives us some insight as to why couple-relationships vary so greatly...

If individual mental health makes such a strong contribution to the success of a relationship, then it follows that those who are high in their mental health are much more likely to find satisfying, happy relationships with their mates. Likewise it follows, that those who are somewhat average in their mental health status are more likely to find themselves involved in average, somewhat mediocre, and dissatisfying relationships. And it also follows, that those who are relatively unhealthy to begin with, tend to find their romantic relationships equally unhealthy, unhappy, and psychologically damaging.

Secondly, it gives us some insight into why there are so few, truly happy couples...

Previously in these Volumes, we have indicated that, according to mental health experts, less than 5% of Americans achieve an optimal degree of mental health. At best, then, one could optimistically assume that only 5% of couples might ever expect to achieve a lasting and happy love-relationship. I suspect that this is a fair percentage, overall. But to even give this percentage assumes that most healthy individuals are indeed lucky enough to find an equally healthy partner; nor does it include the many healthy persons who are currently alone.

 

WHY MENTAL HEALTH?

If the research is true, and it is the mental health level of both individuals before they get together, what is it about mental health that accounts for their success when it comes to love relationships?

Healthy personality involves many interrelated factors which help us explain their success in relationships. Indeed, this following description of healthy personality could easily describe an ideal description of the "perfect mate" for most of us. Imagine such a description in the "personal" column of your local newspaper:

Healthy person looks for someone much the same. Has high self-esteem; knows themselves well. He (or she) is self-confident, socially outgoing, and popular with others. Enjoys a highly active social life. Loves doing fun things. Quite successful, yet feet are on the ground. Is considered warm, loving, and sympathetic by friends. Good sense of humor; expressive and outgoing; thoughtful and sincere.

It is a fairly attractive description, to say the least. Yet, as attractive as it is, it excludes perhaps the one, major characteristic of health personality which accounts for their success in satisfactory love relationships: the factor of "psychological self-sufficiency."

Of all the characteristics psychologists have identified regarding healthy personality is the fact that such individuals are remarkably self-sufficient.

Simply put: healthy people are able to take care of most all their basic needs, and stand comfortably on their own.

On the most rudimentary level, this means that healthy individuals are able to meet most of their material, economic, and social needs in a self-sufficient, autonomous manner. Because they have had the good fortune to develop a wide variety of social and economic skills, they are able to handle most of life's demands pretty independently.

"Psychological self-sufficiency," however, goes even deeper...

Here we find that healthy individuals are even able to meet most of their emotional needs on their own! In essence, they tend to be self-supportive and emotionally independent. They seem to find, deep within themselves, what it takes to face life on their own.

This marvelous self-sufficiency seems to be based on a strong, inner core of self-worth, competence, and effective coping skills. Such qualities leave healthy people well-equipped to face life on their own. Indeed, all alone when the need arises.

Unhealthy people, at the other end of the spectrum, lack this ability to meet their needs. Many, even in the most basic areas of life, find it impossible to stand alone. Economically, materially, socially -- few unhealthy people have the necessary skills to meet life independently. Yet worse, most unhealthy individuals have little ability to self-sufficiently deal with their emotional needs. They appear desperate in their need for outside emotional support. Their lack of inner support makes them insecure and needy of others to provide them the security they lack. They have a very difficult time standing on their own, and find being alone excruciatingly painful. Because of this, as we've discussed before, unhealthy people tend to become psychologically dependant on others as they go through life, and even less able to fend for themselves as time progresses.

 

THE RELATIONSHIP FOCUS

If "psychological self-sufficiency" is one of the basic difference between healthy and unhealthy people, how does this effect the type of relationship that such individuals gravitate towards?

Some analysts suggest that relationships fall into one of two major categories: "person-oriented" relationships and "need-oriented" relationships. The distinction lies, primarily, on the focus both parties see in the relationship.

In a "person oriented" relationship the focus is on the people involved. There, it appears that the couple is bonded more from a mutual like and enjoyment of each other than anything else. In a "need oriented" relationship the focus is on meeting one another's needs and expectations. There, the bonding appears to be based more on an "I'll do for you, and you do for me" philosophy.

Healthy people tend to gravitate to "person-oriented" relationships. Because healthier individuals are so self- sufficient and self-contained to begin with, they seem to be more attracted to relationships wherein factors of compatibility and likability are paramount. Healthy people aren't looking for a relationship where they can be taken care of; instead, they look for a relationship where they can find sharing and the full enjoyment of another person.

Unhealthier individuals, because they lack emotional self-sufficiency, gravitate more to "need-oriented" relationships. Here, the goal is to find a partner who can take care of one's lacks.

In some cases, the "need orientation" of a relationship appears quite conscious and patently obvious: the divorcee with three children looking for someone to support her; the rich executive who simply seeks an attractive, social companion; etc.. But in most cases, the needs involved run a bit deeper, psychologically speaking -- unrecognized, even by the parties involved. Here, we run into the whole gamut of needs most people bring to a relationship: the need to reduce our insecurity and loneliness; the need to live up to social and familial expectations; the need to relieve some of our daily burdens; and so many more. But mainly, the "need oriented" relationship is seen as a place where we expect to be taken care of by our partner.

The problem is: in most cases of a "need oriented" relationship, our partner is expecting the same thing -- only in reverse!

On the surface, the differences between these two categories of relationships is subtle. In the "need-oriented" relationship your spouse or lover might say to you, "I love you because of what you do for me," whereas in the "person-oriented" relationship who might say "I love you just for you."

Below the surface, however, the differences become more pronounced, particularly when one examines the kinds of feelings each tends to produce...

"Need oriented" relationships tend to produce a host of uncomfortable feelings. They are usually characterized as having a a high degree of expectations, obligations, duties, "quilt-trips," pressures, and demands.

Such stresses are based on the fact that "needs" have become a critical issue in the relationship. One of the partners (or both) has come to expect that certain needs be met by the other. With these needs, go a lot of pressuring, demands, and expectation. When these needs aren't met -- resentment, hurt feelings, and distancing are sure to follow.

Truly "person oriented" relationships seem to be relatively free of such demands and expectations -- as well as the uncomfortable feelings which go with them.

To clarify the distinction, imagine, for a moment, the closest relationships you've been in, which have not been romantic...

First, think back to a non-romantic relationship where the demands and expectations on you were the highest; where the restrictions on your behavior were the most extreme; where the rules and regulations were strictly demanded, and often enforced with punishment or other corporal sanctions.

Other than those who've been in prison, most people think of their childhood with their parents.

Parent-child relationships are classic examples of "need oriented" relationships. Children are ill equipped, especially in the early years, to take care of their needs; thus, good parents obviously have to care for their young. Parents too, find many of their psychological needs met through bearing offspring. In the early years, it is a "need oriented" relationship where all parties profit. But as children grow, high parental expectations coupled with a child's natural tendency to become an individual create some of the most stressful interpersonal conflicts in life.

Except for those of us from the most healthy of families, most of us probably consider our parents as the most harshly demanding and unforgiving people we've ever been close to. (That is, until we met our spouse.)

Now, at the other end of the scale, think back to a non-romantic relationship in which you were completely free to be yourself -- where you were simply accepted for who you were. Good friendships typically come to mind.

Friendships are generally the classic example of a truly "person-oriented" relationship. Friendships tend to be the one special relationship in life where you can be truly liked, simply for who and what you are. Friendships are usually undemanding and accepting. Rarely do friends expect each other to support all their economic, social, and emotional needs. Rarely do our friends hold us to extremely high standards of performance or personal behavior. Good friends seem to like us just the way we are! The bond is more one of mutual admiration. The goal appears to be, more, the enjoyment of one another's company than anything else.

When we translate these classic examples to romantic relationships, our point becomes clear. Apparently, the healthiest couple relationships have much in common with warm close friendships. They tend to be accepting and undemanding -- focused more on compatibility than any hidden need-agenda. The unhealthiest couple relationships, on the other hand, tend to resemble the most infantile, demanding, and punitive characteristics of parent-child relationships. They focus much more on expectations and requirements. The basic issue: "What have you done for me lately?"

Abraham Maslow, the famous psychological theorist, posited much the same distinction in his work on healthy and unhealthy motivation (list here).

Maslow theorized that healthy, self-actualized people were motivated by what he called "being motivation." Unhealthy people, instead, were motivated by "deficiency motivation."

Maslow understood that the healthiest individuals operate from a sense of completeness and fullness, as modern research has confirmed. When such healthy individuals seek their goals in life, he saw that it was a natural extension or their already full and complete state. He called such motivation, based on fullness: "being motivation."

"Deficiency motivation," on the other hand, was the operating impetus of unhealthy people. Founded on an inner psyche of lack and insecurity, such "deficiency motivation" was based on emptiness, pain, deprivation, and the inability to meet most of their inner needs (what we have named as "psychological self- sufficiency").

Maslow theorized that these disparate motivations played a decisive role in every human endeavor, but for our purposes here, his view of love is most pertinent...

According to him, since healthy, self-actualized individuals were already so self-contained and complete within themselves, their love-relationships were simply further expressions of the individual fulfillment each partner brought to the relationship. In this sense, "love" for the healthiest individuals is a truly an unselfish and open giving of one person to another. It becomes a true sharing between two people -- each, on their own, having achieved a high degree of completeness and fullness in their own right.

For those operating from "deficiency motivation," however,   the picture is much different. Their search for love is much more desperate and needy. The psychological emptiness and insecurity deep inside, reveals itself in a "love" that is possessive, "clingy," jealous, suspicious, pressuring, overly sensitive and easily hurt.

 

THE IRONY OF HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS

When we add all this up, it seems clear that the individuals who enjoy the best love-relationships are the ones who are fairly complete, well-developed, and self- actualized to begin with. They are the self-sufficient ones who are able to meet most of their needs on their own, thus they are the ones who can stand on their own with comfort and security.

In short, they are the ones who need relationships the least!

On the other hand, those individuals who are the most desperate for love, those who are most needy and insecure, those who long for love the most, are the ones more likely to end up in the worst, most dysfunctional relationships.

It is what I call "the irony of happy relationships:" the people who enjoy the best relationships are the people who need them the least.

Perhaps, in fairness, it should be the opposite. Those who lack the most emotionally, should get the most when they finally find love. But, sadly, it doesn't work that way.

In fact, one of the very reasons it doesn't work that way is because relationships do not have the miraculous curative powers most of believe they have. Our view of relationships is highly romanticized and filled with erroneous myths. One of the most ill-placed, is that relationships will fix us up...

Most people have an unbelievable faith in what a relationship can do for us. We believe that a relationship can make us well -- that it will eliminate virtually all of our personal insecurities and problems. We have faith that "love conquers all," and that if only someone loved us, we'd be just fine. Indeed, it seems for many, that all problems in life can be cured by a love-relationship -- if only we could find a good one.

Oh, you've heard it expressed a thousand times:

"If only Mary would marry me," Fred thinks to himself, "I'd be a happy man. My hang-ups and difficulties would just flow away. How easy things would be..."

And Mary thinks, "If only Fred would "pop the question," all my fears and worries would be a thing of the past. I could never be shy, insecure, or unhappy again, with Fred by my side..."

Unfortunately, relationships rarely fix us up. Though a good relationship can offer many fine things, it rarely cures any of our personal weaknesses, inadequacies, or psychological fears To the contrary. In most cases, a relationship tends to magnify and worsen our flaws! Especially in relationships between unhealthier individuals, one's insecurities and hang-ups soon become the focus of conflict in the relationship. Underlying psychological hurts and hostilities from the past quickly begin to infect the relationship, eroding any chance for the couple's success and generally making each partner's emotional understructure even worse as time goes on.

Tragically, poorer relationships tend to fester upon the very weaknesses each party brings to it. Often, therefore, such "love" (if we can call it that) does more damage than good. In many cases: relationships don't fix you up... they can do you in!

 

TYPICAL COUPLE PATTERNS

***WHERE TO PUT EQUITY PRINCIPLE? ***

Particular styles that most couples fall into:

Many psychologists over the years have studied relationships, the most prominently that we are borrowing from is Dr. Everet Shostrum out in California along with the Stanford group. They have come up with over the years some seven styles of couple relationships that most people fall into. Now, these are given rather humorous names just to keep things kind of light and not quite so serious.

*****NEED PAI MANUAL TO DO THIS SECTION ****

THE MOTHER / SON PATTERN

The first relationship we want to discuss is what is known as the fabulous mother-son relationship, the mother-son relationship. Now the mother/son pattern is a very typical one in psycology and it goes back to the time

mother-son pattern is just that type of a situation. Here is a situation where a strong, adequate woman gets involved in irresponsible young man or little boy, yea,many of you all talked about the battle of the sexes awhile back that many men loved to be babied,and mothered and unfortunately the same occurs for many women who enjoy playing that kind of maternal role . Unfortunatly what happens once again, instead of having a meeting of two equals we have two individuals somewhat unequal in power. What happens basically when this occurs both of them in a way are sort of revealing unmet psychological needs that they are trying to meet in a relationship rather than the true meaning of two well developed individuals.

Puts new meaning to that old refrain, "I want a gril just like the girl who married dear old dad."

of Freud basically, who had hypothesized that essentially young men often and young ladies too become quite fixated on their parents and the sad part about many individuals as they develop in their mental health is that if they are unable to successfully develop at each of the stages of their younger childhood life tend to fall into marital and relationshiop patterns that instead take them back into childlike interactions with their parents rather than the adult meeting of two fully developed people. Well the

DADDY DOLL

Now the daddy doll is the unconscious reversal of the mother-son. Here is where a strong paternal fatherly kind of a guy takes on a real little doll for a wife,someone he can raise as a child instead of a wife. Now for any man who is not as well developed psychologically as one would hope this would be sort of an ideal choice here is a chance to perpetually have feelings of masculinity and strenght fed where as the doll or lady of the particular relationship has realized basically how easy it is to be well taken care of when you appear to be or actually are completely helpless. Its one of those situations that goes a lot like this. Ah,Ah What am I going to do?, and he comes running in and says Baby watch this and I tell you picking up a piece of chalk- see how I do that. Oh my hero, That's just so wonderful. Well he'll be picking up that chalk from that point on in the relationship and she has learned the neurotic lesson that their is no better way to be takencare of than to appear to be utterly and completey helpless but the first two patterns that we talked about basically are relatively warm and are much like the old family environment that we apparently never successfully grew out of.

BITCH NICE GUY

MASTER SERVANT

The next two patterns . the bitch nice guy and the master servant are highly unpleasant patterns because here is more the negative interaction of boss and employee but who is the boss and who is the employee, well in the bitch nice guy the women is essentially the boss, in fact this answers the question we ask ourselves awhile back, what does a strong adequate women do when she is left with a passive less desicive male as a mate, well there is really not to much she can do because as we discovered traditionally the men still have their hands on the where withall and its very much like a car or a cadillac of love driving down the old freeway in a sense. What happens typically is the male still has his hands on the drivers wheel so even the most strong adequate women is kind of relegated to the passenger seat, well what does a strong adequate decisive passenger do when the driver rally cannot make up his mind and really has little or no direction of his own, well their is really nothing much she can do but bitch,nag push, prod so on and so forth. The other couples seeing them drive down the old highway think, My God look at the guy, Mr nice guy.What did he do wrong she's always over there,just complaining and fussing to get him to go someplace but is the answer to the question, what did he do wrong, well the answer is nothing, that's precisely right, he did nothing at all and that's the problem.

Now the next relationship, the master servant, goes by many other names, I like to call it the Old John Wayne Macho relationship to view the traditional view of what love and relationships should be all about. Here's a situation where there is one boss and one employee, one captain of the ship and one crew member and in this case the crew member goes down with the ship not the captain. One chief and one indian. It is traditionally the view of how men and women act and it comes from ancient times when relationships and especially marriages, were more of an economic survival unit rather than a place where people are really designed to get together and share psychologically.But sadly enough what we have discoverd as the years have gone by virtually all of the traditional reasons why couples should be together that many generations ago were almost unable to be avoided. Many of the traditional reasons why couples should be together have fallen by the wayside, child rearing functions, educational functions, social survival functions, economic functions virtually all of the traditional reasons why men and women in the old days had to stay together and if they liked each other that was pretty minor, that was an extra plus to hundreds of good reasons why men and women stayed together for a lifetime but as society and technology have advanced most of those reasons have been taken care of with other kinds of social mechanisms and now unfortunately, the only reason why a man and a women should really remain together is thatthe quality of the relationship especially the psychological relationship between the two of them is really rewarding and enriching.Now you have noticed basically as we have discussed these first four relationships, the mother-son, the daddy doll, the bitch nice guy, the master servant. You've noticed hereis a situation where opposites have attracted. Here is a situation where one partner is much more adequate, stonger, more desiscive, the other more passive, weaker and less desiscive. You've always heard, that opposites attract haven't you, well the doctor has one rather interesting expression that I think will be very beneficial to you and that is the fact that opposits attract but primarily for unhealthy people. That's right, opposites attract primarily for unhealthier people.

Healthy people are not as attracted to opposites,they tend to gravitate as we will discuss to individuals who are more like themselves, similarity and compatibility tend to be what healthy people see in relationships. Yes opposites attract primarily for unhealthy people who are looking for other individuals or looking for qualities in their spouse to kind of make up for their own personal lacks in an attempt to posess qualities one does not have by possessing the person who has those qualities.

HAWKS

Now there is one relationship mythically called the Hawk, that kind of describes two strong willed, to determined,to kind of fiesty argumentative people who get together and literally all hell breaks loose, certainly you know couples like that. For it seems as if the battle is The thing, they got together to kind of tussle, argue, kind of out do and out shine each other. It's known by the Stanford group out in California as the competitive marriage, basically they call it that because many modern couples these days seem to want to compete with each other, rather than to enjoy each other, both are getting together perhaps for somewhat suhtle hostile needs and somewhat needs for dominence and somewhat need to compete and unfortunately what it kind of a competition is a relationship, its almost as if the couple or each member is trying to win, as if a relationship is something to win. Well that's what happens when two really strong willed fiesty types get together but what happens when two kinds of passive sort of nice guys get together , a kind of attempt by two individuals that are not that well developed to sort of maybe find a sort of mutual identity and a mutual self-support together.

DOVES

Well one wexpression I have often heard, that is two half developed individuals getting together do not make a true whole. In fact in a way that's a nice summary of a lot of what I am suggesting this evening. Two half developed people getting together do not make a true whole. That;s kind of sad because it would be nice if it could happen, in otherwords if relationships really fixed you up, but the truth of the matter which I have been alluding to is that it takes appparently two well developed individuals to get together and have a true whole as a unit. Well sadly enough therefore when two half developed individuals get together two relatively passive, to relatively undeveloped individuals psychologically get together it seems to be that nothing much happens. It's almost an endless politeness contest, perhaps you know couples like that,sort of a tweedledee, tweedledum couple,What do you want to do tonight honey, Oh I don't know, whatever you want to do tonight Sugar, Oh I asked you first sweetie-pie. They never seem to get anywhere and it also indicates a great attempt to keep the waters smooth, to never really confront, to never really deal with anything of substance. Now once again another nice way to survive and to make it through life side by side, without any real disharmony or any real conflict keeping the waters placid and smooth but unfortunately it's also a lack of really meeting. One would question wether a couple like that is really relating or not wether they are really touching on a psychological level. Its not that healthy relationships are devoid of argument and fighting that seems to be a misconception, the healthiest couples are able to relate to each other in a constructive manner both tenderly and aggressively, both lovingly and perhaps non-lovingly, it's a way of expressing all that one is as a person in a rhythmic feeding back and forth.The essential element of two people being completely authentic and real and finding with each other a place where each can be as expressive and as real and as open as possible.

PERSON TO PERSON

We have discussed most of the unhealthy forms of relationships, let`s talk about the final relationship, and that is what is known as the actualized relationship I guess or the person to person relationship, that pretty much sums it up right there,the person to preson relationship. Now the person to person relationship where two individuals just as the name applies has given up the game playing, have given up the roles that are traditionally played, given up the manuipulations, and it can only happen usually when two relatively well developed ,relatively psychologically self sufficient people get together and they are freed by their own individual strenghts and self sufficiency to really enjoy and relate to each other without the games and without the manipulations and without all the pressures and demands, the expectations, the hurts, the jealousies that occur when those needs get in the way.Now unfortunately this runs so counter, to what we have heard and what we have been trained, because much of what we hwve learned about relationships comes from many centuries past which I explained to you a little while ago, was a time when relationships were any thing but a place where you could relate. If grandma and grandpa and great great grandma and grandpa, liked each other or loved each other that was at the very bottom of a huge list of functions that that marriage was supposed to fullfill and if that happened it was just an extra plus that most people were kind of flabbergasted about and certainly didn't expect. As I'm saying, in contemporary times since most of those needs were met elsewhere, it seems to be the authentic relationship between two people and perhaps that`s why relationships are not lasting that long, there is not much to hold people together unless the quality of the relationship is really good.

To better understand some of the qualities of what psychologists and marriage counselors consider to be the most important factors that contribute to healthy love-relationships, we have developing a model, over the years, I call "The Mountain of Love."

 

THE MOUNTAIN OF LOVE

Below, please find a graphic representation of "The Mountain of Love."

It is a thoretical representation of an ideal romantic relationship, but seems appropriate to most all human relationships (familial, friendship, employer/employee), as well.

 

/\
/    \
/LOVE\
/             \
/ GROWTH \
/    TRUST     \
/   RESPECT   \
/  ACCEPTANCE  \
/  UNDERSTANDING  \
/          HONESTY            \
/      COMMUNICATION       \
/        COMPATABILITY         \
/              SIMILARITY                 \
/                  ATTRACTION                 \
/                     CONTACT                     \  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SEA OF DESPAIR AND DIVORCE

 

The "Mountain of Love" is a graphical metaphor depicting the ultimate climb to an ideal love relationship. As the metaphor suggests, the climb toward the peak of an ideal and lasting love relationship is akin to the successful climb to a mountain peak.

Counquering any  mountain is step-by-step achivement. The successful climb is inch-by-inch,  plateau-by-plateau, level-by-level. There is no quick short-cut to the top. The risks are great at each level, but the rewards build as you ascend. Great effort and perserverance are required. At times, a climber must patiently wait at a certain level before continuing. The going is often tough. And any attempt to rush the climb, or to skip the charted path, can lead to a catastrophic fall...

There are no "last second goals" in mountian climbing. There are no "home-runs in the bottom of the 9th." Success only comes with a careful, one-step-at-a-time, effort.

Climbing "The Mountain of Love" is the same!.

Our drawing of "The Mountain of Love" builds from it's base to it's top on twelve plateaus (or levels). It's like any "darn good mountain," built on many levels of geologic strata -- each of which has to be carefully appraised, in turn, by the successful climber.

The theory here is that love-relationships are built like a mountain consisting of many strata. It is a mountain composed of numerous layers, each one of which is solidly based upon the layer that lies benieth it.

Every layer on the "Mountain" is important. A weak layer at any point -- especially at the bottom -- can give way, causing the whole "Mountain" to crumble (and if it crumbles, it topples into the "Sea of Dispare and Divorce" that we've labeled at the bottom of our drawing).. Moreover, each level on "The Mountain of Love," like a real-life mountain, must have a sturdy foundation to stand through time. No level can be geologicially stable, unless all the levels below are solid and secured.

The twelve plateus on "The Mountain of Love,"   therefore, represent the twelve basic levels a romantic couple needs to climb to reach ultimate relationship success.

As we shall see, each layer in our model is founded on the layer it stands upon. The higher you go on the Mountain of Love, the more valuable are the gifts your receive in a relationship. Yet, the problem that many encounter when the look at the Mountain of Love from a distance (seeing only the more desirable levels at the top) is the natural tendency to jump right to the top of it. Simply skirting around, or brushing aside, the prerequisite steps along the way. But skipping steps on The Mountain of Love, produces a relationship founded on shakey ground.

There are two ways to view the Mountian of Love.

The first is as a model of an ideal relationship....

The twelve steps ennumerated on the Mountain provide a checklist of the most important characteristics psychologists have identified regarding the best couple-relationships. The Mountain of Love, in this presentation, is a way for you to identify the strong as well as weak points in your own present relationship, your past relationships, or, best of all, a model to assess future relationships.

The second way to view the Mountain of Love is chronological...

We all start our quest for love like the mountain climber -- at the very bottom of the Mountain. Step-by-step we climb, our eyes focused on the prize. Sequentialy, we move upwards and onwards, higher and higher. At each step the relationship unfolds in its natural order. And if successful at any one level, we move to the next.

This sequental view of the Mountian of Love is the most instructive. For if a solid love relationship is truly based, as I believe it is, on a layer-by-layer development -- with each layer only secure upon the strength of the strata laid down before it -- then the wise love-seeker need know all about the mountain that lay above him or her.

All relationships begin at the bottom of the Mountain of Love and progress upward as far as they can. Relationships can end at any level -- and they often do. Anxious as they are to reach the top, many people are tempted to skip over some of the steps, and when they do, the relationship has little strength in the lower relationship strata to support it. Then, they find themselves on crumbling ground, and go toumbling down into the "Sea of Dispair and Divorce."

To avoid such catastrophy, the wise climber carefully examines their quest in every detail. "The Mountain of Love" is our quest. Let's examine it step-by-step -- and start climbing...

 

STEP 1: CONTACT

The first step on The Mountain of Love is the bedrock that supports the entire Mountain. Upon this begining level rests everything else we hope to find in our climb. Yet as critical as it is, hardly a person in the thousands I've lectured to about this has ever guessed what it is...

Without looking back at the drawing, what one factor do you think determines who we fall in love with? What dictates, at the very begining, who we eventually develop a relationship with? What, in other words, is the first step on the Mountain of Love?

If you're like most of my students, you're thinking of factors like "attraction," "common interests," "chemistry," "friendship," or something along those lines. And, although, these factors are important in developing our relationship- choices, they are not the primary determinate.

The answer is so obvious we can hardly see it. Like the air we breathe: we rarely notice it, yet it is absolutely critical to our existance.

The answer comes directly from a branch of social science study known as "proximics" (the study of social nearness and distance). Years of research in this field has come to a startling conclusion regarding love and friendship. The conclusion? It appears from such studies that the number one factor that determines friendships and love is how near that person happens to be to you in terms of physical space. Sheer proximity!

People tend to develop their closest friendships and love-relationships with the people they have the most frequent contact with. The more nearly someone lives or works by you, the more likely you are to develop a relationship with them. How much you really like them, how attractive they truly are to you, how much you actually have in common -- these factors, often, have little to do with it.

As songwriter Stephen Stills once wrote, "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." The lyrics tend to be more of an actuality than a sentiment for most of us. In other words, you're much more likely marry "the girl next door" than the girl three houses down. You're more likely to become a life-long buddy with the guy you were randomly assigned to room with in the college dorm, than anyone else you met in college. As a child, your best friends were the neighbor kids. You best friends are probably your work associates. And it so goes, on and on.

Statistically speaking, practically every one of the close friends you'll ever have in your life have either lived or worked within a few hundred yards of you. The chances are almost 1 in 20 that you'll first marry anyone other than a person you went to high-school with. You've probably socialized more with the next door neighbors, dorm-mates, or work associates than anyone else you've ever known.

And the interesting thing is, only rarely would you have rated these people as ideal selections. Indeed, in some cases, you may have felt they were real "jerks" to begin with, but you ended-up in close relationships with them anyway! That's proximics in action! More often than not, you end up, not with the people you'd like to be with, but rather, the people you happen to be around.

On the Mountain of Love we refer to this basic idea of proximics as "contact." Clearly, the first step in any close love relationships is making contact -- the sheer fact that someone else actually crosses our path. Unless we actually meet that particular someone, a relationship can't even begin. But, the law of proximics suggests that our choice of an eventual partner is limited to those we contact, particularly those we contact rather frequently.

So here we are at the very bottom of the Mountain of Love -- at rock-bed level. Upon this level rests every other level we hope to climb. How well we do on the rest of our climb will be based on how well do do at this beginning level. Yet, already, many of us are doomed by the law of proximics!

Some of us are doomed because our lives provide little or no contact with available partners, thus we can't find anyone to join us in our climb. But most of us are doomed because our possible selection of available partners is so limited, no one of the alternatives gives us much of a chance of making it to the top levels of The Mountain.

As our climb progresses, you will begin to see that the chances of making it to the very top of The Mountain of Love is largely based on the initial selection of ones climbing partner. And that takes place here at the "contact" level. Clearly if ones social life is limited or if ones daily routine offers little room for new contacts, one will have few available partners from whom to select. Furthermore, if one is shy and introverted, potential contacts will be limited even more. On the other hand, if one lives an active social life, if ones routine offers numerous opportunities to meet new people, if one is extroverted and socially-oriented -- one will have a much greater number of available choices; and among those choices, a much better chance of finding a fine climbing partner.

In other words, if the law of proximics is true (that we inevitably end-up with those people we're around) then we'd be wise to be around more people! The more social contacts you make, the more people you can meet, the more active you social life becomes, the wider your social circle -- the better better your chances will be in finding a suitable mate. The more people you are around, the greater your chances will be; and the more outgoing an extroverted you become, the more people you'll be around.

After all, if your crazy enoungh to climb a mountain in the first place, wouldn't it be better to select a partner from several dozen alternates than to be stuck climbing with the one or two who just happened to be around at the time?

When we speak of extroverted, outgoing, socially oriented individuals, it's clear we're talking about the happiest individuals. Their highly social nature is a major theme in the research presented in these Volumes. In so many ways, we have seen how their active social lives contribute to the happines they've attained. Yet now we find the greatest contribution of all...

In addition to the many joys happy people gain from good friends and family, the enjoyment they derive of everyday social contacts, and the fun they add to their lives from parties, clubs, and social events, they are also (merely as a by-product of their other socializing) in a much better position to find true love in their lives!

 

STEP 2: ATTRACTION

Once contact has been made, the next step as we climb The Mountain of Love is "Attraction."

Given all the people you come in contact with: some of them will appeal to you, and others will not.

The "Attraction" level, then, is where we begin to discriminate among the climbing candidates which are potentially available to us. Here is where we begin to hone our choices and make our eventual selection of a possible mate.

The "Attraction" level is the magical level of of a love-relationship. It is the "chemical" level or the "magnetism" level. It involves whatever basic attraction that captures and focuses our romantic interest on another person. Sometimes it is a physical or sexual attraction. Other times it seems to be a mental attraction toward a person's "personality." But whatever it is, "attraction" is generally a strong and often unexpected experience -- an almost irristable, impulsive reaction. Many times it hits quite suddenly ("love at first sight"), other times is grows slowly over long periods. But when it hits, it usually hits pretty hard.

When "attraction" initially hits, a couple enters a period of a relationship, named by relationship experts as "the sparkle period." The "sparkle period" is the first phase of a relationship. It is the phase of excitement, infatuation, and mutual exploration. It is the "dating period" of the relationship, filled with fun, romance, and the illusion of "falling in love."

It is a wonderful experience -- perhaps the way life should be all the time. But even in the best relationships, it is only a phase. After all, it happens at the second level of The Mountain of Love -- the climb toward a solid, love relationship has hardly begun.

Still, as we climb the Mountain such "basic attraction" provides a solid and neccessary foundation for the next important steps. And for a successful and lasting relationship, a combination of both physical and mental attraction are vitally important. The more satisfied couples find their mates to be both more physically attractive and more mentally attractive than most alternatives. It seems to be that there is a complete "basic chemistry" that endures throughout the marriage.

Less satisfied couples seem to have concentrated on just one of the two possible "attractions."

Some focus exclusively on the physical attractiveness of their potential mate, and though they enjoy the superficial beauty of their partner, there is little "mental" compatibility in the relationship. Others tend to dismiss the importance of physical attractiveness, and look exclusively for mental attractiveness in a potential spouse. Either strategy leads to an eventual realtionship which is only partially attractive, and leaves the remaining levels of the Mountain of Love on somewhat shakey sub-strata.

Finally, don't mistake "Attraction" for "Love." The two are far apart indeed! "Attraction" is at the very lowest level of the Mountain of Love; "Love" is at the very top. Some of the feelings involved are the same, but only the novice climber mistakes the two. "Attraction" is just the starting point. As strong and infatuating as the experience can be, it is based on very little. You hardly even know your new partner at this point in the relationship! There is so much to learn -- so many steps to climb -- before you can even know if real love is there.

Before climbing on, however, it should be noted that this second level of "Attraction" is about as far as many couples ever get on The Mountain of Love. "Attraction" can hit many times during a lifetime with little real payoff. Some people get caught in a cycle of empty "attractions" again and again; others get caught in one, life-long "attraction-based" relationship which never climbs further. Perhaps this simply because such people don't realize that there's more to love than just "attraction." But there's much, much more if you're willing to climb a bit further...

STEP 3: SIMILARITY

Once you have found a person who's attractive to you (and they, in return, are attreacted to you), then its time to climb on to the next step on the mountain of love, and that is the level of "Similarity."

On this level we find the basis, the most solid foundation of the remaining steps. Similarity is rarely mentioned in most "popular" discussions of love relationships, but according to our research, it is crutial to wise mate selection. Rather, the old addage, "opposites attract," seems the most common reaction to coupling.

When most couples end up together, most of us throw up our hands and think, "Well, opposites attract!" Indeed, dispite years if relationship research to the contrary, this basic view of couple relationships seems the only logical explanation of events for most of us.

We see it all the time: a weak person couples with stong one, a talkative person couples with a shy one, an attractive person couples with an unattractive one, and so on. Thus often, when we look at the couples we know, we can't begin to imagine what attracted them to one another. On the other hand, some of the more compatible couples we know are like "two peas in a pod."

The dimension most of us are unaware of is the mental health dimension. The criteria for mate selection differs dramatically between healthy and unhealthy individuals...

It's true that "opposites attract," but I have found this is more true of unhealthier individuals!

Unhealthy, unhappy people -- because of their lacks and insecurities -- find those who are quite opposite of themselves immensily appealing. Their search for love tends to attract them to persons who have personal qualities that they, themselves, happen to lack. On a subconscious level, they are looking to others in order to make-up for their own shortcommings. It is as if, by having a person in their life who has the characteristics they, themslelves, lack, they too can possess such characteristics.

Generally, when you see such "opposites attract" relationships, someone is subconsciously trying to advantage his- or herself. It's usually a "what's in it for me" relationship, where one or the other partner is meeting their needs at the expense of their mate's.

Thus it's often true that "opposites attract." But, primarily for unhealthier people!

Happy, healthy people, on the other hand, appear to be more attracted to others who are more like themselves. They are, apparantely, more concerned with sharing themselves with a kindred soul than reaping the advantages of another's attributes.

Yet why would this lead to greater happiness?

The underlying dynamic is quite simple: similarity between two people generally premotes harmony, dissimilarity tends to prevoke conflict.

If this is true, then the more sources of similarity between you and a potential partner that exist, the better the relationship will fare. Similarities in your attitudes and values, in your religious beliefs, in your lifestyle patterns, in your views on child rearing, in your views on budgeting and financial matters, in your life goals, even in your every day tastes and preferences-- each contributes to a more successful relationship. And the more sources of similarities there are, the better the prognosis becomes.

Dissimilarity, on the other hand, is always a possible source of conflict between spouses. Disagreements create tensions in a relationship. Somtimes they can be happily resolved, but other times they cannot. Often, one person is is forced to give in to the other -- or both must give up a little something in a less-than-satisfying compromise. Many times such disagreements lead to bickering, resentment, or hurt feelings.

Dissimilarity is especially thorney when the issue is an important one to both parties. Some differences may not matter. For example, you like Early American furniture, your spouse likes Modern -- but neither of you feel all that strongly about it. The two of you will be happy no matter how the home is furnished. But if the preference is a strong one -- watch out! No matter how much two people love each other, if the issue is an important one, dissimilarity can be devastating to the relationship.

Every area of similarity one can have with a potential mate is one are of possible conflict that simply falls by the wayside, never to rear its ugly head.

"Similarity" is the real bed-rock on which the entire Mountain of Love rests. As we look above us, to the many fine plateaus which lie ahead, we'll find, as we reach them, that each is based on a solid foundation of similarity.

But the main thing similarity leads to is the very next step on the Mountain of Love: "Compatability."

STEP 3: COMPATIBILITY

Compatabilty is one of the most often mentioned factors of longstanding, happy couples. It can be defined as just getting along, enjoying each other, sharing mutually liked activities, feeling comfortable, and, at best, a harmonious interaction between two people.

Yet like every level on the "Mountain of Love," the level of compatibility should be based on the underlying strata...

For example, a high degree of compatibility is facilitated by "Similarity." When two people share similar interests, ideals, and goals, compatibility just naturally follows. Likewise, when dissimilar people get together, it is quite a struggle to find any compatibility at all.

Indeed, the inability to get along, has always been a traditional staple for comedy over the centuries. How humorous we find the "odd couple" -- the mismatched pair who can't seem to find agreement on even the most minor of issues. Classic plays, modern television comedy shows, commonly told jokes are filled with laughable situations where dissimilar lovers attempt to find their way together. We chuckle at their folly, finding the humorous side to a very common human condition -- indeed, catching a glimpse of ourselves in their predicament.

But in real life, the inability to get along isn't all that funny!

Indeed, almost every issue of difference between partners in a close relationship can lead to conflict -- even the most minor...

Anyone who has been involved in a live-in relationship knows that even the most minor dissimilarities can cause major conflict! One's preferences in cooking, the kinds of television shows you like, whether you need to have your home spotlessly clean and neat or you tend to be more of a messy person, even whether you squeeze your toothpaste from the end and neatly roll it up or mash it out, haphazzardly, from the middle -- these everyday dissimilarities can prove to be insurmountable sources of strife, even for the most loving couple.

The list of minor irritants goes on an on...

You like sports; you mate doesn't. She likes Classical music; you can't stand it. He loves to fish; you get totally bored...

Certainly such minor differences can be overlooked -- and they are no where near as damaging to a couple as major disagreements on sexual, financial, or family issues can be. Still, the take their toll.

If, therefore, similarity is the fundamental basis for "Compatibility," then the more identical two people are in preferences, values, and relationship goals the happier they will be with each other. Technically, then, one should search for a mate as much like themselves as possible. As I joke with my students, this theory suggests that they probably be happier with a clone of themselves. A clone: a genetic duplicate -- identical to yourself in every way.

Imagine how compatible you and your clone would be. You'd get along fabulously! In every situation, the two of you would get along completely...

"I'm a bit hungry," you'd say, "how about you?"

"Me too," you clone would respond. "What are you hungry for? Chinese? That's what I'm craving."

"Chinese!" you'd exclaim, "That's just what I was craving."

"What do you want to do tonight?" one of you might ask. "I was thinking of watching basketball on television."

"Basketball!" the other might answer. "That's what I wanted to watch too!"

And when it came to sexual compatibility, both you and your clone-mate would always be "in the mood" at the same time, everytime.

It would almost be sickening to others around you, but you can imagine how well you and such a similar person would get along? Truly, you'd be the perfectly matched couple!

In reality, such a match is impossible to find. But imagining such complete compatibility does prove the point. The greater the "Similarity," the greater the "Compatibility."

What does one do when such perfect compatibility doesn't exist? How does one deal with the conflicts? Compromise is the answer in better relationships.

Inevitably, some incompatibilities are bound to arise, even in the best relationships. And it is axiomatic to marriage counselors, that successful compromises are the key resolving them. There is total agreement that the ability to compromise is one of the most important qualities successful couples possess. Indeed, compromise is so much a part of any relationship, that most of us accept it as inevitable, if not even desirable and admirable! In fact, many people actually define relationships as compromise.

I agree that the ability to compromise is a positive asset to any relationship, but philosophically speaking, compromise has its limits. While some compromise may be good, too much is definately bad. I would suggest that each compromise represents a situation in the relationship in which each party "looses" a little something.

With each compromise we make, we compromise our "self" a little bit. Each time, a certain degree of our wants and desires is sacrificed for the sake of the relationship. Each time a little more spontaniety and openess is lost to avoid further conflict. In some relationships it seems that so many issues have required compromising, that we've totally compromised ourselves away. So many feelings you have, so many things you like to do, so many issues you think are important, have been put aside for the sake of the relationship, that the relationship no longer holds much enjoyment.

In small amounts, the limitations created by compromise is far outwieghed by the harmony which is gained. But if the compromises add-up too much, the relationship becomes more and more dissatisfying.

How satisfying a relationship is, therefore, has a lot to do with how much compromise you have to make in order to maintain it -- and there is a certain limit to how much a person can compromise and still find a relationship rewarding.

The ideal, of course, would be a situation were no compromises were necessary. To find someone, in other words, who was so much like you in attitudes, values, beliefs, and life-style preferences that need for compromising would hardly ever arise. Such a situation would be the ultimate in "Compatibility," for sure.

In real-life relationships, such ultimate compatibility is extremely rare to actually find. Nevertheless, some people climbing the Mountain of Love come much closer than others. That's why some couples continue their climb, and others remain bogged down here on the "Compatibility Level."

 

File: 23-4.fx

STEP 5: COMMUNICATION

The next plateau on the Mountain of Love is "Communication."

Here we get to the very heart of a satisfying love- relationship, for, as we shall see, "Communication" is the relationship!

Anyone who's seen or read anything about relationships in the mass media knows that that "good communication" is critical to a rewarding relationship. The experts go on and on about how important good communication is to achieve relationship success, and it appears to be a message that most average couples can relate to. So pervasive is this message, that the majority of the initial callers to my clinic identify their problem as a "communication problem" whether it is actually a situation of spousal beatings, substance abuse, or other more severe difficulties.

Although overused as a term, such "communication problems" are, indeed, at the heart of most couple's relationship difficulties.

Philosophically speaking, what is a relationship anyway? Literally, a relationship is defined by the dictionary as a connection between two individuals. But to psychologists, it is the ultimate of connections. It is a bonding of two beings, a touching of two minds, a meeting of two people, a sharing of two individuals. And how is this connection made? Only through communication...

In essence, a relationship is communication! Communication provides the point of connection between two loving people. It is, to some degree, nonverbal: the touching, the caressing, the sexual union that connects them. But mostly it is verbal: the ongoing sharing of feelings and experiences which continually flows between them.

Without communication, there is a reasonable question as to whether a relationship exists at all. Two people can go side by side through life, with rarely a word spoken between them. Is that truly a relationship? Perhaps, technically, it qualifies. But how lonely a relationship it must be.

You've heard that old joke: "How can you tell a married couple in a resturant? They're the ones not talking to each other." It's a little funny on one level, but sadly typical on another. No, when the communication wanes, the relationship tends to wither. When communication stops, the relationship stops. All that remains is the more legal and historical connection. The true relating is gone.

In it's best sense, "Communication" is what we long for in a relationship. It is the sharing of ourselves and our feelings. It is the intimate psychologcial contact with someone who cares about us. It is a world of experiences we can have with another that would otherwise be relatively lonely if kept to ourselves. It gives Life a sense of purpose and gives more meaning to the events and circumstances that surround us. "Communication" saves us from the painful hell of being alone.

But in a more practical sense, "Communication" helps smooth the rough spots in a relationship. As we've seen, even in the best realtionships a certain amount of dissimalarity, incompatibility, and conflict will arise. Some compromise will, therefore, be needed from time to time, and "Communication" is where good negotions take place. Couples with good communication skills are the ones who can negotiate fairly and successfully. They are the ones who can resolve their difficulties in a manner both find acceptable and comfortable to live with. Couples who can't communicate can't even attempt to solve their probems. For them, conflicts remain in the background -- fostering resentful feelings and slowly deteriorate the relationship.

As a final note on "Communication," once again we can see why happy people have an easier time climbing than most of us do. Here, it's because happy people are fine "communicators" to begin with. As we've documented, they tend to be quite open, highly verbal, outgoing and extroverted, very spontaneous, and love conversation.

"Communication" is one of the things happy people enjoy the most. Happy people, therefore, are naturally suited for an easy climb to this level of The Mountain.

STEP 6: HONESTY

We've reached the half-way point in our climb up The Mountain of Love, and now things are becoming a bit scary...

As we glance down, we catch our breath as we see how high we already are. It's a long way down, if we slip and fall. Still, we are feeling proud of the progress we've been making, for we've left many couples behind us. Some of them have fallen off those lower levels and toumbled into The Sea of Dispair and Divorce. Others appear to be permanently stuck on one of the levels beneith us, unable to climb any higher.

As we look up, however, there's still so far to go. Plus, these higher levels are even more treacherous and difficult to climb than the ones we've already covered -- especially the one we've facing now: "Honesty."

The level of "Honesty" is where so many couples stumble and fall from The Mountain of Love. But to go any higher, we have to achieve it.

"Communication" is critical for a good relationship. But for "Communication" to have any true value, it has to be honest.

Honesty in a relationship is difficult for most of us. Very few people are able to be completely honest in a relationship. Most of us are somewhat to partially honest. And some people are hardly ever honest at all. There are those who are frightened by honesty, and there are those who simply enjoy being manipulative and deceitful. But if you want to climb higher on The Mountain of Love, honesty is required.

It is only through honest communication that we can truly share and be known by another. Without honesty, all the communication in the world is just empty talk. Without honesty, all the compatibility in the world is merely superficial. No, honesty is the only thing that makes a relationship real! But it is so difficult to achieve...

Being honest is risky. It reguires a lot of "guts." It's a lot safer to falsely agree, to placate, to remain silent. Then we won't take any chances on loosing the relationship. After all, we've climed so far! We've made "Contact" with an "Attractive" person. We seem fairly "Similar" and there's an initial degree of "Compatability." The "Communication" is going well. Why rock the boat now, with "Honesty"?

The answer is simple. If we don't take the chance, as risky and scary as it is, we can't climb any higher on The Mountain of Love. We'll have to settle to a half-way relationship: one that appears compatable on the surface, but one which is only superficial. We'll never know the higher joys of a true, love-relationship.

Is it worth the risk to be honest? The happiest people would definately say, "yes!" In our discussion of Fundamental Eleven, "Be Yourself," we suggested,

"If people don't like you just the way you honestly are, they're the wrong people for you."

Even though the emotional stakes are higher in a love- relationship, the principle still remains true: if your potential mate doesn't love you just the way you honestly are, he or she is the wrong mate for you.

And in the sad case where your honesty causes you to stumble down The Mountain, remember that it's far better to tumble down from a lower level than to tumble from the top. Every tumble hurts, for sure. But the higher you go on The Mountain of Love, the harder you fall! If you have to take a fall, it's much better to take it early in your climb than later...

STEP 7: UNDERSTANDING

If a couple is able to achieve honest communication, the path is cleared to reach the next highest level on The Mountain of Love: "Understanding."

"Understanding" is one of the finest rewards a close, love relationship can provide. Couples who are able to climb this high on The Mountain of Love have arrived on a plateau which separates the ordinary relationship from the superior relationship. From this level on, The Mountain contains what I believe are the ultimate fulfullments of a happy relationship. The first of these is "Understanding."

It is my view that, more than anything else, what people want most in a close relationship, even more than love itself, is understanding.

Few people know it, however. Talk to them, and all they talk about is "love." They'll tell you that all they want in Life is love. They continually dream of finding someone to love, and someone who'll love them in return. If they're with someone, they'll complain that the love has died, or that their "someone" doesn't love them enough.

But I believe what they're really talking about is understanding...

My clinical experience leads me to believe that at the core of every human being lies a deep and almost primeval need to be known. It seem rooted in our essential social nature. As social and communal beings, our instinct is to bond. Our highly developed self-awareness, our sense of individuality, and our existential recognition of separateness from other entities in the Universe leaves each of us, ultimately, alone. Indeed, physically, we are separate as independent organisims. Biologially we are incomplete (needing food, air, water, and so much more from our environment to survive). And psychologcially we are lonely and adrift without the mental stimulation we receive from others.

Essentially, we are separate, incomplete, lonely and adrift in the world. Thus we are driven to elimate this empty state with inclusion, completeness, and fullness. But no matter how we succeed financially, socially, artistically, or materially the emptiness is only partly saited...

Completeness only comes when we are fully known by another. The esential separateness only fades when we can totally share ourselves with someone else. Our inherit loneliness can only be eliminated when we are truly shared and understood.

Ultimately, being understood completes us as human beings. Without being understood, without being totally shared by someone else, without being fully known, we are live a lonely existance. In a real sense, if no one ever knows us, we hardly exist. We drift alone and apart, even though we may be surrounded by thousands of other people. We function in a seeming vaccume: never being touched, never shared, never known.

Being completely understood is a wonderous experience. For many of us it is a rare event in life -- perhaps, something which has happened only on a few occasions. It is almost magical: we are speaking about something very close to our heart, and the person we're speaking to truly under- stands our thoughts and feelings. For that "golden moment," someone else fully understands us. In the moment, we are verified and afffirmed -- we have a feeling of completeness which is overwhelming.

The feeling of being understood is the ultimate validation of our existance as a person. I believe it is what we really seek in a relationship. Surely, "love" is nice -- but often a person can love us and not fully know or understand us. But finding "Understanding" in a relation- ship is what real human "connection" is all about.

Again, as with other Steps on The Mountain of Love, "Similarity" provides the basic foundation. True understanding between two people requires a shared frame- of-reference. It is difficult to understand another person's experience, when we have nothing similar in our own life to draw upon. Try as we might, it's farily difficult to imagine what life might be life in a foreign country, unless we've lived there ourselves. It's hard to understand another preson's enthusiasm for art, when we have no training nor interest in it. On the other hand, it's a lot easier for two people who grew-up in the same town to relate to each other's childhood experiences; or two people who've been through a divorce to better understand the stresses each has been through.

STEP 8: ACCEPTANCE

The next Step on The Mountain of Love is what I refer to as the "choice point."

It's been an arduous climb so far. We made "Contact" with as many possible choices as we could. From those, we found a climbing-mate who had "Attraction." As we got to know this special person, we found a lot of "Similarity." This, in turn, led to a begining relationship which held great "Compatibility." We've been "Communicating" very well, we've tried to be especially "Honest," and as the relationship has developed, we've been able to establish a great deal of "Honesty."

Now, we have come to the most critical point in our climb. Now that we realy know each other, it's time for the ultimate choice: will we be "accepted" or will we be "rejected"?

"Acceptance" is the next level on The Mountain of Love."

We've come all this way. What will the decision be? Out climbing-mate now knows us completely and honestly. Now that the relationship is well-established, and we are totally exposed, will our mate be able to accept us for what we really are?

It could be bad news. Our fellow climber might say, "Honey, we've had a lot of great times, but now that I really know you for what you really are, I just don't think it's going to work-out for us." After all this effort, the relationship ends in rejection.

But if we've been climbing on solid foundations, the likely outcome is "Acceptance." Here our mate says, "Honey, now that I truly know you as I do, I want you to know that I love you for just the way you are."

What a fabulous reward we've reached on The Mountain of Love! How wonderful it is to find someone who not only knows us completely and honestly, and actually accepts us, just for what we are. Here we've found a relationship in which we can truly be ourselves -- where we can be loved simply for our natural and spontaneous "real" self.

Of course, rejection can take place at any level on The Mountain of Love. One can be rejected even at the "Contact" level, when someone doesn't find you "Attractive" at all. Rejection often happens at the "Similarity," "Compatibility," or "Honesty" levels when couples find, early on, that they just don's see eye-to-eye. But rejection at these lower levels never quite hurts as much, because the rejection has been based on the more superficial aspects on one's personality (our looks, some of our ideas, our life-style preferences). Yet when rejection comes here, at the eighth level of The Mountain of Love, it hurts a lot. More, because it is based on a deeper understanding of our total personhood rather than our more peripheral characteristics.

However, if we make it succesfully to the "Acceptance" level of The Mountain, without tumbling down into the Sea of Dispair of Divorce along the way, we have achieved a quality relationship that few couples ever achieve.

Most couples would be happy just settling-in here. But we aren't going to stop; for the best is yet to come...

STEP 9: RESPECT

As we climb to the level of "Respect," we've reached one of the finest rewards a close, love relationship can provide.

Being accepted for what we are would be wonderful. But if we could go one step further? What if, more than merely being accepted, we have found a person who can acually respect the type of person we are?

"Respect" is something that few of us attain in any area of life. It is based on an admiration of our essential qualities as a person. It goes right to the heart of our personal skills, honor, and integrity. Respect is the ultimate recognition one person can bestow on another. Certainly, such respect is difficult enough to achive in the social and civic arena, but in a close love-relationship -- where one's mate completely knows you -- achieving respect is rare, indeed.

Few couples who ever climb this high on The Mountain of Love. It's very rare to find marital partners who, after several years together, actually respect one another. Respect, in a close relationship is hard to achieve, because it is always based on one's intrinsic character. Respect is an earned quality. It only comes when one's basic integrity and personal attributes merit it.

I have found in my marriage counseling experience, that couples who retain respect for each other have one of the most substantial factors which help them go on and on, no matter what difficulties they face. In a similar vein, the loss of respect is one of the worst "danger signs" there is in a relationship. When one or the other partner begins to lose respect for their spouse, something cherished in the relationship is irretrivably lost.

The loss of "Respect" sometimes sets the stage for a possible crumbling of the entire Mountian of Love; but in most cases, The Mountain can stand without it. Still, if one is fortunate enough to find "Respect" in a relationship, the conditions are right to climb even higher...

STEP 10: TRUST

We've finally made it to the top, few levels or The Mountain of Love. Here the air is very thin, indeed. Each step requires more and more strength. But the higher rewards are here, and here on Step Ten we find "Trust."

"Trust" is way at the top of The Mountain of Love. Why is it so high up? Becaues "Trust" is perhaps the hardest thing to achieve on The Mountain of Love.

Trust is the most difficult thing to develop in a reltionship, yet it is the most easy to be broken.

Trust is excruciatngly hard to develop...

To develop trust, one has to be consistant, regular, and dependable for a sustained period of time. Often many months, sometimes years, are required to build a deep trust in another.

Yet, as hard as it is to develop, trust can be easily broken with a single slip-up.

One mistake -- one simple lapse of judgement -- is all that is needed to permanently damage years of built-up trust.

It's truly tragic -- and perhaps unfair -- but one major dishonesty, one fleeting affair, or one deception or betrayal can often blow a decent relationship right out of the water. This is especially true in cases of sexual infidelity.

The betrayal of trust hurts deeply. Once it is lost it is extremely difficult, and in many cases impossible, to rebuild.

Even here, close to the very top of The Mountain of Love, seeds can be sown which undermine the entire stucture we've worked so hard to build. Yet that's exactly what an untrustworthy act can do.

It is my view that the happiness one experiences in a relationship is equal to a ratio between feelings of love and feelings of hurt. A betrayal of trust is a major cause of hurt in a relationship, but it is not the only cause. There are harsh words said in anger, there are social embarrasments, there are the criticisms and nasty remarks. Whatever the cause, however, I believe that hurts in a relationship never go away. Love, on the other hand, never goes away either.

I like to think of it as two stacks of coins. One represents the positive, loving feelings a couple has for each other. The other represents the negative feelings which have come between them.

In the begining, the stack of positive coins builds-up quickly. When a couple first falls in love, the intensity of their positive feelings grow to a high level in a very short amount of time. Affectionate, loving feelings stack-up, perhaps to the highest point they will ever reach. On the other hand, little time has passed for hurts and resentments to build coins in the negative stack. Thus the picture at the start of a relationship, is one of a tall stack of positive coins, and a very small stack of negative ones.

Now when relationships end, most people tend to believe that love simply "died." That bit by bit, the coins in the positive stack were squandered -- and slowly the stack shrank to a point that there was hardly any positives left. At least, this is the common sense notion most people have of broken relationships.

But my analysis of relationships shows something quite different occurs. It is not so much a reduction of the positive stack that ruins a relationship, it is the building of the negative stack.

Actually, I believe that in most cases, positive feelings of love remain farily stable over the course of a relationship. Once it reaches its initial high-point, the positive stack of coins remains farily durable. It may grow or decrease a little over time, but overall it remains pretty much in tact. It is the stack of negative coins that changes...

What happens is, that as time goes by, couples do those thoughtless, hurtful, and negative things to each other. Each argument, each criticism, each dissapointment, each cruel remark adds one more negative coin to the stack. Each coin represents a little hurt, resentment, or anger that has come into the relationship. And as the years go by, the negative stack of coins slowly builds. If there is too much rancor and unhappiness in the relationship, soon there comes a time where the negative stack has reached a point where the ratio of the two stacks is becoming somwhat equal. Even though the stack of positive feelings is about the same as it was when the couple started, the negative stack has built to an almost equal level.

At this point, a relationship which seemed wonderfully positive in the begining, contains as much bitter feeling as love. If the trend continues, eventually the couple finds the negative stack of coins has built to a point that it far outwieghs the positive one. Here the relationship becomes dissapointing, unhappy, and often untenable. It's not that the positive stack of coins has erroded -- the basic feeling of love are still there -- it's that the negative stack has grown so much that any positive feelings are completely overshadowed.

Successful couples intuitively understand this principle, and somehow manage to avoid the build-up of negative "coins" in their relationships. They seem to recognize that hurts and betrayals never really go away, thus they take great care to avoid unneccessairly adding to the stack in the first place. For them, then, the loving, positive feelings always outbalance the negative ones.

Given this analogy, it is clear that building a happy, successful relationship requires a long-term view. It is a view which acknowledges that the finest gifts on The Mountain of Love take a long time to develop, and that they require a lifetime of continual vigalence to maintain. It is an understanding that each little hurt or insult made today can come back to haunt a relationship years into the future. It is an understanding that "Trust" is something which takes years to develop, yet a single betrayal can shatter it completely.

STEP 11: GROWTH

Now we are at the next-to-last level on The Mountain of Love. The air is thin -- the heights are dizzying -- and the view is absolutely breathtaking!

But where are we?

Imagine yourself in relationship where you and your climbing partner have successfully made it, each step up The Mountain of Love, to this level. Each quality on The Mountain has fallen natually in place. The two of you made the initial "Contact." There was a strong "Attraction." You found a lot of "Similarity" between you, and this led to great "Compatibility." "Communication" came easily, there was complete "Honesty," and this led to a great deal of "Understanding." "Acceptance" came next -- your partner loved you just the way you are. But even better, because of your character and inner qualities, "Respect" was developing between you. And based on all this, as the months went by, a growing degree of "Trust" was emerging.

How would you feel, if you had all these fine things in a relationship?

When I pose this question in college lectures, most students immdiately blurt-out that they'd be "happy."

"Certainly, you'ld feel happy," I respond. "That's why a close love-relationship is the Number One source of happiness! But," I continue, "would you feel anything else?"

The answer I guide them to is "freedom."

Love, in its finest sense, can be tremendously freeing. In a relationship where you are trusted, where you are respected and accepted, where you are completely known and understood for what you really are -- such a relationship tends to be very freeing. So freeing, in fact, that it tends to do premote something that few relationships allow: personal growth.

"Growth," then, is the next level on The Mountain of Love.

 

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STEP 11: GROWTH

In the very best relationships people rarely stagnate. The love and stable assurance of a secure relationship provides a medium in which each partner can grow and develop themselves. Such a healthy relationship creates an environment that allows one to expand, flourish , to self-actualize, and to become one's best potential self.

Most couples hardly ever make it to this level on The Mountain. More typically, "Growth" in a relationship is more often stiffled than engendered. The lack of trust, respect, understanding, and other aspects of a good relationship, inhibits the innate drive toward self- expansion. Growth and personal development can occur, but typically it is unwelcome and often creates friction in these poorer relationships. Only for couples who successfully climb to this high level of The Mountain of Love is the foundation properly laid for real growth and even higher plateaus of self-fulfillment to occur for both partners.

STEP 12: LOVE

Of course, the highest level on The Mountain of Love is "Love" itself. It is the ultimate goal of our climb, and now we have finally arrived...

If we have made our climb successfully, conquering each step in succession, and build a solid foundation benieth us, here we can finally enjoy the fruits of our labor. Now we have the kind of love-relationship we've always dreamed of. Now we have achieved the kind of love-relationship that the research shows is the single, most impactful source of the happiness we strive for in life.

But why did we have to struggle so much to get here?

Actually, we didn't have to at all! You see, although "Love" is at the very top of The Mountain of Love, you don't need to climb a single step to get it. In our model, "love" is only seen as lasting and valid if it is based on each of the underlying foundations lying below it. But it needn't be so...

Love, after all, is nothing more than an emotion. If it is based on the solid strata we described, it can be real and enduring. But the emotion of "love" itself is often irrational in nature, and can often occur with no solid underpinnings at all.

One can feel very much in love with someone even though few of the conditions on The Mountain of Love have been met. We can love someone, even though we don't understand them. We can love someone we don't respect. We can love someone we're terribly incompatable with, and so on.

In fact we can love somone without successfully reaching any of the steps on The Mountain!

A case in point... I remember one elderly man who attended one of my public lectures a while back. After the lecture, he came up to chat with me.

"Doc," he said, "that's a great theory. But how do you explain my relationship? I don't find my wife very attractive," he went on. "There's no similarity -- we have nothing in common. Compatibility? We don't get along at all. We hardly talk -- communication is zero. I not honest with her, and I know she's not real honest with me. We don't understand each other -- in fact, I've never been able to figure her out. Acceptance? We sure don't have much of that. As far as respect goes, I don't think we ever had much respect for each other. I can't say I really trust her, and she's always accusing me of something I didn't do. Growth? No way! She's going to stay right at home. But Doc," he concluded, "I just love that woman!"

No, love can strike with no solid basis at all to support it. Indeed, it can be completely irrational at times. Sometimes we can develop intense infatuations and feeling of love for a person we've never even met.

That is why, although the other gifts on The Mountain of Love are worth their weight in gold, I have always given "Love" a value of just two cents. If it is based on a foundation of substance, it is priceless; but if it stands alone, it's hardly worth a couple of pennies. Certainly love feels great -- and those rare days in our lives when love strikes us are typically among the happiest of our entire loves. But as wonderous as love feels, it cannot stand alone for long. Without a solid understructure -- one that is build over time through a difficult, upward climb on The Mountain of Love -- that wonderous feeling is just an illusion. An illusion that may quickly vanish...

STUCK IN A RELATIONSHIP

So far, most of our discussion of Fundamental Thirteen has delt with the important aspects of healthy relationships as well as what to avoid in unhealthy ones. Thus, it might seem that this chapter is more relevant to those who are looking for a love-relationship, or just begining one.

Unfortunatly (or fortunatly, depending on how you look at it), statistics would predict that most of you reading these volumes are already in a relationship. What does one do in that situation?

Earlier in this chapter we indicated that to be ripe for the best relationships in life, you have to develop yourself to a high degree of mental health first. But what if you didn't and are in a relationship now? The answer is: essentially the same thing! Let me see if I can explain...

I've heard a very interesting expression, often quoted by marriage counselors:

"Unhealthy couples work on the marriage, whereas healthy couples continue to work on themselves."

What the expression implies is that unhealthier couples look at their relationship as not only the source of their problems, but also the cure. When things are going wrong with the couple, each tends to blame "the relationship." If they seek counseling, each partner expresses a need to "work on the marriage." But as the conversation continues, it doesn't take long to figure-out what the each partner truly means. The husband is really saying, "Doc, you need to work on her!" and the wife is saying, "Doc, you need to change him!"

Though the couple presents themselves as wanting to "work on the marriage," in actuality both are usually thinking that if their spouse changes enough, the marriage will be just fine. It is rare to find either party willing to admit that they're doing anything wrong themselves. Indeed, in many cases I have found husbands or wives calling me to make an individual appointment for their spouse -- assuming the problems they are experiencing as a couple will be easily solved if their mate gets the right "treatment."

On more than one occasion I've met with couples for an initial interview at my practice who seem to view my role as as a therapist to be more like one of an auto mechanic. The bring their spouse to the session, break out a list of things that are defective with him or her, and then wait expectatantly for me to get to work and make repairs. Once, a husband actually had the gall to bring his wife to my office waiting room, told my receptionist "She's crazy. I want the Doctor to fix her-up," and left her there.

"Working on the marriage" is, at worst, just a euphimism for "my partner has to change to make me happy." At best, it means finding various adaptions, contrivances, and other coping mechinisms whereby each partner can learn to live with the other's failings and inadaquacies.

But the ultimate solution is an individual one. Generally, many of the dissatisfations we find with our marital or couple relationships are reflections of dissatisfactions we have with ourselves. As we noted before in this chapter, we are unhappy with our relationship because it is not meeting needs which we should be meeting on our own. We become angry with our spouse, and are dissilusioned with the relationship, because neither are satisfactorily compensating for our own personal lacks.

The point is that most of the problems we find in a relationship, are actually problems in ourselves. Our frustration with the relationship is often based on the fact that we're expectating our mate to make-up for a variety of personal problems that we are not willing to assume responsibility for.

Thus most couples who seek marital counseling are surprised to find that the solution to their difficulties is more of an individual, than joint, venture. Each partner is guided toward an individual set of goals and a personal focus on their own independent needs and background. The healthiness of the relationship is put in terms of the increasing healthiness of both members. Thus, in the best counseling, individual growth becomes the paramount strategy for the couple's eventual success.

It appears that healthy people subconsciously know this. They understand, that even in the context of a good relationship, their primary mission in their life should be continued self-development. In other words, even when in a relationship, healthy people continue to work on themselves. They continue, as they did when they were on their own, to work on any of the areas of their personality that were inadaquate or not fully developed in previous years. They assume personal responsibility for their growth, knowing that the better they become, the better their relationship will be.

THE BIG "LET-DOWN"

One of the most absurd things that most people do when the settle into a long-term relationship is to completely give up any sembalance of self-improvement. Indeed, many of us tend to revert to a condition of personal atrophy. We simply give up any attempt as developing ourselves, and just "slob-out."

Once we finally have somebody, we seem to think that the race is over. All the effort we spent in making ourselves attractive when we were single has paid-off. Now we can retire and bask in the sun! It's almost as if we're subconsciously thinking,

"Well, I've got someone now. I'm finally in the secure relationship I always dreamed of. Now I can relax for a change! No more diets. No more exausting work-outs. None of those silly self-improvement classes. No more need to keep up with current events. No need to fuss so much over my appearance. Now that we're settled-in together, we don't have to go out as much as we used to -- nor do as many of the exciting things we did when we were dating. And things ought to be a lot easier, too. Now there are two of us to handle all the things I used to do all by myself! Looks like smooth sailing from here-on out. In fact, I'll probably cancel working with my therapist. After all, my only problem was that I was so lonely..."

Most couples fail to see the major cause of marital downfall. Typically, marital disentegration is blamed on fighting, sexual incompatibility, job pressures, value conflicts, in-law interference, etc.. And certainly any of these can place a heavy burdon on any couple's relationship. But I think the biggest downfall in a marriage is how comfortable it is!

The biggest problem of a relationship is also one of it's finest joys: how comfortable and secure it feels. When a relationship solidifys, it produces a relaxed, comforting routine. There is a high sense of stability and permanence to it which lulls us into a wonderful sense of security and belonging. We tend to relax, kick our shoes off, let our hair down. All is well with the world in our little love-nest.

But the problem is: we often become so relaxed and secure in the relationship, we start to stagnate. We become complacent. We stop trying. We stop growing and striving to develop ourselves further. Instead, we lapse into a strategy of neglect.

It's bad enough that we stop trying for our mate. But what's worse, we often stop trying for ourselves! And as time goes by, right before our mate's very eyes, the very things that attracted them to us in the first place begin to fade away.

The ironical thing is how most of only do the right thing after we've lost our relationship! After all, what's the first thing most people typically do when they end-up, on their own, after a divorce or break-up? You're right! The embark on a whirlwind campaign of self-improvement. Now is when the buy a new wardrobe. Now is when they improve their appearance. Now is when they start doing exciting things, begin exercising, resume their education, develop new interests, involve themselves in community activities, and so on. Now, perhaps when it is a little too late, is when they really become concerned with improving themselves and becoming a more attractive and dynamic person.

Why all this newfound effort and enthusiasm to become a better person? Only to attract a new, and hopefully better, relationship. But if such a new relationship is found, it's prognosis will be no better than the last one if we once again find ourselves becoming complacent and giving into "the big let-down."

Good relationships offer a marvelous sense of security and comfort. This is one of the most desirable things they provide. But healthy people know that such stability can lead to personal complacence and stagnation. Again the ultimate strategy is continued growth as an individual. Just because you've got a mate is no reason to ease-off on the kinds of self-improvements you once worked at, trying to attract that mate in the first place!

omit Although the lesson is clear -- don't "let-up" on personal, self-development when you finally find a close relationship -- most couples end up with a big "let-down:" the "let-down" of personal growth.

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READER'S NOTE: The remainder of this chapter is outlined in very rough draft. Most sections have only been inserted in order of their eventual treatment. Please forgive the disjointed nature of the pages which follow...

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No one said that love was ever easy, at least on a long-term basis. And although it is the Number 1 most impactfull of all the happiness factors researchers have identified, it is the hardest of all to plan for or predict.

The intrinsic problem with any love relationship is its unpredictablity. A love relationship is like a permanent vacation to an never-visited destination. As inticing and glamourous as the destination appears from the brochures, until you've been there for a while, you can never say how nice it is to live there.

In other words, you never really know how well a relationship will go until you've been there for a while. No matter how savy you are about relationships, no matter how objectively you've selected your partner, no matter how much time you've spent dating -- there is something that happens when you actually set up a life together that no one can predict, for better or worse. Sadly, in some cases, or gladly, in others, the only way to know is to be there!

Good judgement and a healthy resavouir of self-knowledge can help make wiser selections, but in the final analysis the only way to know what it like to be deeply involved with a person is only when your ARE deeply invo